Guilt. Inadequacy. The two main ingredients Bullies use in their recipe and you are the mixing bowl. So how do you Beat the Bully? 

They have always been there; in the workplace, at home, at school, in friendship circles; only recently have we started to conceptualize the damaging consequences and raise awareness around this absolutely unacceptable behavior: Bullying!

Along with the awareness comes the fad phrases such as, ‘be more Assertive,’ ‘stand up for yourself,’ ‘don’t let them get to you,’ however, anyone that has ever been a victim of bullying knows that these methods actually are not very effective and can leave a person feeling even more guilty and inadequate. This way of dealing with Bullies is the yeast that they crave to rise even further into power! Perhaps ‘giving them a taste of their own medicine’ will curb bullying focused on one specific person, however, the emotional trauma that a bully victim has to go through to get to that point is really not worth the effort and emotional/physical trauma. Bullies do affect people, it is difficult to be assertive toward a bully and standing up for yourself comes with consequences, the emotional and/or physical ones.

Let’s focus on the bully, what do Bullies thrive on? They thrive on ATTENTION, the more you give it to them, the more they will rise, bearing in mind they really are not fussy, they will take any type of attention, any excuse to bully you, to make you wrong, because, in their world, you deserve it and they will ensure that you will also feel that you deserve it!! Attention is a fix for the bully, it makes them feel better about themselves, the power and control is addictive. That being said, the bully is the person with the lowest self-esteem, and we are not talking about your average pinch of low self-esteem the general population cooks with, this is so low that they cannot reason, they cannot take responsibility or ownership for any of their actions or words, and they probably never will, trying to get them to understand this concept is like trying to cook in an oven that is not switched on. Bullies are, however, very talented in other areas, they are able to, quite convincingly, find the negative out of every conversation, and they manage to take that negativity and blame you for creating it, it’s ALWAYS your fault; bullies will take anything you say, ANYTHING, and turn it around so that you, believably, look like a complete fool and you’re left actually doubting yourself! Add that to the mixing bowl! Guilt, Inadequacy… that’s what you are left with, which actually belongs to them, but because they have ‘PhD’s’ in their field of bullying and rarely experience any flops they know how to add you to their recipe.

BEAT THE BULLY! It’s simple really, forget about the assertiveness, the standing up for yourself, the revenge, the effort, the emotions and simply take away the yeast, take away the ATTENTION. Too often we are so busy analyzing and concentrating on the bully, which is exactly what they want, we forget about ourselves and forget to concentrate on our needs. Don’t give them what they are looking for, instead, give yourself what you need, your need is simple, not to have to deal with the bully, so get a new job, ask to be moved to a different class, leave your partner, get new friends, limit conversation with ex’s. Some would probably argue that this is simply running away from the issue, I view it as walking away from the ego.

Truthfully, I understand that unless you are in a physically abusive relationship (any type of relationship), It is not realistic to believe that you will be able to completely cut a bully off for the rest of your life or with immediate effect, it may be a boss, a colleague, an ex-partner who has access to your children, a parent, a sibling etc. as well as the fact that there are many bullies who walk among us, who will cross your path on more than one occasion. It’s about learning to beat the bully, and the biggest ingredient is ‘less is more’ the less you give them the less they are able to respond. When having to converse with a bully, keep it simple, stick to facts, do not get into arguments with them, walk away when necessary and talk to them as little as possible and lastly, take them off of the pedestal. It may sound simple, uncomfortable and possibly even wrong, but what have you go to loose, perhaps the guilt and inadequacy?

You are not going to get it right every time, especially in the beginning, however, it will definitely improve with time and the more you successfully beat the bully, the more empowered you will feel and your sense of humour will certainly increase. Chael has assisted 1000’s of individuals beating bully’s and is there to guide you and help you through your process of taking your power back, in a safe environment.