Chael Nel Staff asked 9 years ago
My husband of 5 years (we have known each other for 10years) recently admitted to me that he has been raped as a child. This was during a telephone conversation. we had had a major fight and were not speaking to each other. i sent him an email detailing all that i found wrong with him and the relationship a few days after when i couldn’t take the stress any longer. that night i was away form home on course and he called me that night to discuss my emial. that night while discussing things telphonically he told me that he was raped as a child and that no one knows. it was done by the neighbours son – he told his mum afterwards but no one else knows and it was not taken any further. the boy was disciplined by his mom and that was the end of it. my husband attributes his lack of confidence and sometimes lose of erection during sex to this incient. since i have been back home though we have never discussed this again. i don’t know how to bring it up and don’t know what to say to him about it. all i keep thinking when i see him is “i was raped as a child”. since his disclosure he wants to have sex all the time and very short-tempered with the kids (both boys aged 2 and half and 8 months). i really don’t know what to do to help him and our relationship. this is causing major strain for me as i feel we are putting up a facade.
If one has experienced sexual abuse in childhood, it can often have a detrimental impact on your sense of self. If one has not had the opportunity to discuss this and process the feelings and thoughts related to the sexual abuse, the abuse often continues to have an impact on the way one feels about one’s body and sexuality in general. This can often have an impact on a marital relationship. A positive sign is that your husband seemed to have developed enough trust in your relationship to share this very sensitive issue with you. This is a positive sign for the amount of trust and safety you have generated in your relationship with him. I would begin by thanking him for being open about the rape and empathizing with him that it could not have been easy thing for him to talk about.
I understand your difficulty in speaking about this issue, as you may still be dealing with the shock of hearing about it. It might be important to broach his increased sexual interest in you gently, telling him that you have noticed his increased interest in you sexually and that you do appreciate it, but would like to also know why he has become so sexually expressive with you recently, given your past sexual history it appears out of character for him. Again it’s important to see how he reacts to this and to give him space to express his feelings. If your not sure how to approach the issue rather ask him directly if he would like to discuss the matter further with you and if he would like to discuss it and invite him to discuss whatever aspect of the rape he feels comfortable speaking. It’s important to give him permission to discuss these experiences at his own pace. He may however require further intervention from a professional to help him deal with this particular childhood trauma, if you feel this issue is starting to impact profoundly on your relationship, you might want to consider a marital counselling as an option as well.